Dear driver of dented black pick-up truck;

Your bumper stickers do not inspire confidence. When I see “9/11 was an inside job” next to “I Stand With Scott Walker” I wonder…oh, I just wonder.

• Sincerely, An educated and informed voter. You wouldn’t understand.

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers;

Fire your designer. Now. Don’t bother auctioning those bumblebee suits; burn them. Please.

• With bag over head, The Unknown Football Fan

Dear Shopkeeper;

I was relieved to find out that the vintage fur coat was beaver. I ran my hands down the front and it felt an awful lot like I was petting my bunny, Buttercup. The coat was lovely, but I was glad to know it wasn’t rabbit.

• Yours truly, The Bunny Whisperer

Dear pharmacy that shall not be named;

You haven’t fixed the chopped-off voice mail message yet. It’s irritating. Does no one check these when they’re changed? Never mind. Obviously not.

• Just another customer