>Simple Changes

>One week ago I posted a few simple pleasures. I’m still adjusting to the major changes in my career outlook and in my health, so when SocialMoms Network asked for bloggers to post about simple changes, I wondered if I could manage to view any of my changes as simple. Long term leave of absence: major change. Diagnosis of clinical depression: major change. Are there any simple changes, less complex than these?

One small change I’ve made is drinking half-caffeinated coffee. Now that I’m home all day most days, it would be very easy to over-imbibe in the delicious coffee gifts I received for my November birthday and for Christmas. Instead, I’m mixing the lovely flavors with a standard decaf. I still get the pleasure of the flavor, but I don’t get excess nervousness or hyperactivity from the caffeine.
Another change is the way I’m eating: increasing the amount of fruits and vegetables in my diet. We already eat a few servings of vegetables and/or fruits every day. I’m aiming to increase that to the recommended five a day in this category. A handful of berries on breakfast cereal or yogurt at lunch. A serving of vegetables at lunch and at supper, with a fruit snack such as an orange or apple for mid-afternoon. It’s a small change that will take my diet balance to the next level.
I’ve always been a goal-setter. This year I’m concentrating on keeping those goals reasonable and writing them down. If I set a goal that takes too much energy and too much time, I’m not likely to achieve that goal, which will be disappointing at best and at worst very upsetting. There’s enough negative in my life; I need to stress the positive and keep plans and goals accessible. Big goals are weekly or even monthly; smaller goals are daily, and may be part of a larger goal. This week I had planned to investigate mall walking, but I decided to put that one off and finish progress reports instead. The reports are due at the end of next week, but I wanted them done and out of my mind. The mall-walking exercise goal will have to wait until next week. It’s important; it’ll happen.
That’s the main point to remember with changes, small or large. If it’s important, make it happen. Setting goals, eating well, and watching the amount of caffeine in my (I admit it) addiction, all are simple changes that make a difference in my life. If all goes well, these simple changes will make an impact on my full recovery and my eventual return to teaching.
I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Simply Orange® blogging program. If I am one of the first 65 blogs received by SocialsMoms, I will receive a $25 Target gift card and a gift pack that includes a Simply Orange® cooler bag and logoed fleece. I believe they’ve already received 65 posts, but I thought the topic was worthwhile.

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>Depression – slow and steady wins the race

>

It’s not a race, really, but the philosophy holds true. Healing and recovering from clinical depression is more like the tortoise’s pace than the hare’s.

Depression isn’t an overnight recovery. It’s not like a cold: treat it, it lasts seven days. Leave it alone, it lasts a week. Depression isn’t like influenza, either: there’s no vaccine or chicken soup treatment. Influenza may be as miserable, though, I do admit it. I’ve been there, too.

Anti-depressants can help. Rest can help. Counseling therapy can help. Together, they’re all pieces of the treatments available, but none of these will result in immediate improvement.
That means patience. Rest, eating right, taking time and looking forward to the day I’ll wake up in the morning and want to run around the block. Or not.
Christmas was tough. I had a to-do list that was much too long. Amigo loves Christmas, and he kept asking if I wanted help wrapping presents or baking cookies – two tasks we enjoy together every year. I had to put him off, telling him I had to finish my schoolwork, and then being unable to do anything else due to fatigue. Finally, on December 24th, after school was finished, Amigo and I wrapped and baked and decorated like crazy.
I still didn’t accomplish all I wanted. I had new recipes in mind: two new cookies and one for orange scones. I baked one: pecan cookies. They were good. Delicious, in fact, and I wished I’d been able to make the others. But my get-up-and-go had got-up-and-went, and no amount of anti-depressant could take the place of a nap. I had to face the fact that it was okay to let things go. As long as the presents were wrapped, the kitchen floor could stay crumby for a day.
It took a lot of energy to be joyful on Christmas Day, too. My in-laws were here, and I left La Petite and Amigo to entertain them while I wrapped up the banana bread for their gift baskets. They’re wonderful people, but I had no energy for small talk.
I’m on the road to recovery. I expect it to be a long road, some of it uphill and some of it still under construction. Eventually, I’ll be myself again. All in good time. Slowly, steadily, like the tortoise, not the hare.

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>Simple Pleasures

>Simple Pleasures while not working, that is. Listing positives is a good exercise in addressing depression. It’s also a good way to focus my thoughts on life as it is, not as it “should” or could be.

These lists must avoid sarcasm. Do you know how hard that is? A list of cynical positives might include:
  • I don’t have to teach through flu season! No danger of catching it myself, leading to multiple sick days and huge amounts of substitute lesson plans. No stacks of make up work for kids who miss multiple days of school, either. Yeah!!
  • I don’t have to teach Valentine’s Day! The sugar hell, I mean sugar heaven – the holiday that’s not a school holiday and really shouldn’t even happen in class but I’d be in so much trouble with parents if I didn’t allow kids to pass out their little cards and candy – oh, thank goodness I don’t have to teach Valentine’s Day!!
But these are cynical, even sarcastic suggestions. While these are legitimate thoughts and legitimate reasons to be happy, they’re not the kind of positives on which I need to focus. Here’s a second try.
  • I get to read the morning paper in the morning, taking my time reading the whole thing.
  • I can take my time getting dressed, and then I can dress casually.
  • Lunches are relaxed rather than rushed. I can actually cook a decent and nutritious lunch and take my time eating it.
  • I can watch the early news shows. It’s a guilty pleasure, watching the features in between the real news, but it’s a pleasure all the same.
  • Cooking supper is more relaxed, too. I can thaw something and cook it, taking my time, because I’m not rushed between school and supper. I have more time to think and plan meals in general. Hopefully that will be a plus for my health (darn this anemia) and not a weight gain!
There are more simple pleasures while on this lengthy sick leave. I’ll share more later, and I promise to do my best to avoid the sarcastic versions. I’ll think them (oh, you know I will!), but I (probably) won’t post those.
Readers, here’s your challenge. Leave a comment with at least one positive element in your life right now. Humor is fine, but no cynicism or sarcasm allowed!!

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>What’s next? Planning during depression

>Looking forward while suffering from depression is a necessary challenge. Setting up routines and sticking to them while still allowing time to rest and rejuvenate – that’s a difficult balance to find. I am settling into routines in the mornings. With school no longer part of my daily schedule, I’ve filled the mornings – but not too full.

Getting up with Chuck starts my day. Even if I haven’t slept well (Darn those stress-filled nightmares!), I’ll drag myself out of bed and come downstairs, feed the bunnies, start the coffeepot. My morning routine is fairly relaxing and allows room for a nap if, as I mentioned, I didn’t sleep well the night before.
  • start coffee
  • feed bunnies (They’re always happy to see me. Pets are wonderful.)
  • read newspaper & have breakfast
  • watch morning news shows, sip coffee
  • check personal emails and blogs
Now comes the tough part, the part of the routine that has the potential to cause blood pressure spikes and stomach aches.
  • Check school email. I’m still in communication with a few of my coworkers, and there may be important information I need. For now, I check it daily. Later, I’ll reduce my school email checks to once or twice a week.
  • Work on progress reports. This was part of my commitment to making my leave of absence smooth and seamless for my replacement; finishing the semester one progress reports. Fortunately, we have a new online progress report, and I can access the system from home.
  • Click Save on the progress reports, refill coffee, relax.
  • Read. Reading for pleasure keeps my mind occupied and lets my body rest.
These may seem like small goals and an overly simple routine. But during depression, attainable goals are important. Making supper each day feels like a huge accomplishment. Making a to-do list is alright, but the list must be reasonable. If it’s too long, finishing the tasks could cause a collapse from exhaustion.
Long term planning isn’t realistic right now. Making big decisions – career changes, moving, major projects – isn’t a good idea while my mind and body are so wiped out. I’m taking one graduate class online, and I continue to blog and work on a family writing project. And if we get snowed in? For me, there will be little or no change. We have plenty of coffee and hot cocoa and a big bag of bunny food in case of winter emergency.
Keeping change to a minimum, no matter how it happens, is the best plan for right now.

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Depression Awareness

I was taking Amigo to an appointment and noticed an issue of WebMD Magazine sitting on the table. There were multiple copies of this special edition, which led me to think, “Maybe I can take this with me.” The focus topic? Depression..

Amigo was called just then, so I folded the eight-page publication and tucked it into my purse for later reading. As I moved into my extended leave of absence, I wanted all the information I could get on my condition.
Depression awareness is growing, but awareness is still the lowest form of knowledge. For people with depression to really feel comfortable talking about it, our society needs to move beyond awareness into a deeper knowledge and true comprehension of this illness. Yes, illness. Too many think depression is a simple sadness, a case of the blues, a mood swing. How did I know whether my boss would consider this an illness or a personal weakness? I still don’t know, and I’m not sure I trust her enough to ask.
I’m lucky. My family understands depression as an illness, and they know what kinds of support I need. When I need to rest, they say, “Go” and push me up the stairs to take a nap. When I need a little extra moral support, they’re ready to talk and listen, and when I need to be alone, they allow it — within reason. Those closest to me, friends and family, know that depression affects people differently, and with me, feeling isolated worsens the symptoms overall.
I can’t say this enough: depression is an illness, a serious illness that affects people in many ways. My true friends know that. They know me, and they respect and understand how I feel. They don’t expect me to snap out of it or magically heal overnight.
They know I’m ill, and they also know I’m going to recover.

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>I’m done. It’s official.

>Pushing to the Winter Break is always a challenge at school. The moodiness. The excitement. The full moon and lunar eclipse, concurrent with a snowstorm and other mood-altering atmospheric conditions — well, I can just say the last week of school in 2010 was more of a challenge than usual.

But I’m done. I survived. It’s over.
It’s more than over, though. I’m done – for the year. Not just 2010, but the full 2010-2011 school year. I’m taking a leave of absence from my teaching job from now until June.
Illness made teaching tough this year. Gout, flu-like virus, even the possibility of heart trouble had me missing more days than I wanted.
But more than that, school has been a struggle: a struggle that was making me sicker. I didn’t sleep well at night. Worries kept me awake, and when sleep did come, I’d awaken in a head to toe sweat. Stomach aches every Monday morning, heartburn and headaches Sunday nights, there were too many symptoms to ignore.
There were tipping points. Getting hurt while preventing a student from throwing a chair. Getting threatened by a student and seeing no administrative response whatsoever. Spending time late at night to leave decent sub plans – against the doctor’s advice – only to get all kinds of nasty notes about how my work hadn’t been sufficient.
Between me, the doctor, and my family, we decided it was time: time to look into a long-term leave. A time to recover, to heal, both physically and mentally. A time to really examine my commitment to teaching and whether it can weather this kind of conflict. Before I make any kind of decision on my future, I need to rest. Rest, recover, and feel good again — even on Mondays.

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>Daisy and Chuck’s ER Adventures

>It started on a Saturday, of course. Adventures like this never happen on weekdays.

Chuck hurt himself getting the garage ready for winter. You may have heard the news; he dropped the rototiller on his right big toe. Tough guy that he is, he hobbled into the house to elevate it and ice it and decided he was fine and dandy. After supper, I gently set an ice pack on it and he jumped out of his skin (well, off the couch) at the pain, leading me to say, “Okay, dear, I’ll bring you the phone. You’re calling the doctor.” The nurse on call told him to hippity hop into the nearest ER in case of bleeding under the nail.
The nearest hospital is quite close: five minutes by car. The hard part was finding the entrance. The hospital had undergone some major construction projects, and the ER entrance had moved since we were last there in early July. We followed the signs and found the entrance, I dropped off my limping man, and we were in business.
We can dispense with the gory details. He was treated and released — after helping the triage nurse fix her computer’s loose mouse cord and becoming fascinated by the name of the “tool” used to fix his toe. Mr. Techie and Mr. Word Person all rolled into one, that’s my ever-loving husband.
The next night – yes, Sunday after a Packers loss (sob), I started feeling ill. Suddenly ill, in fact, in such a way that I couldn’t deny it; it was obviously my turn to head back to the ER. Chest pains, dizziness, sweating, and more… we climbed back in the minivan for the now familiar ride. This time we knew the quickest way to the entrance, so Chuck dropped me off and parked.
We reintroduced ourselves to the ER weekend team, Chuck saying “It’s her turn tonight!” The nurse remembered Chuck for his help with her computer cart, and the doctor asked him “How’s the toe?” as he checked my first round of tests. This may have been a rarity for the ER doctor – getting to follow-up with a patient.
After being hooked up to all kinds of machines, timing the number of minutes between blood pressure checks, getting medicines by mouth and through an IV, having early evening blood work compared with the late evening blood work, the pain finally eased and I was allowed to go home – with conditions. Follow-up appointments, further testing, I had to agree to all of that before going home to sleep in my own bed. Well, home to call a substitute and then go to school to leave lesson plans.
The whole experience was surreal. Getting hooked up to so many machines, so many wires. The sheer number of tests done (thank goodness for good insurance coverage). The pacing. It was a lengthy stay (four hours!), but there was almost always something going on. Turning the debate from cardiac to gastro-intestinal and back to cardiac again – my head was spinning figuratively with the for and against discussions, almost as much as it spun literally in the beginning.
I never planned to be a familiar face at the local Emergency Room. I’d say “Now what? What’s next?” but I’m a little afraid of the answer. Let’s just keep Chuck away from the rototiller until spring; that’ll help.

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