Replace the Debates with a Jeopardy Tournament

I am a faithful fan of Jeopardy. After concluding a Teachers’ Tournament, Alex Trebek mentioned that based on his observations, the country’s children are in good hands.

Consider the following. Instead of a Teachers’ Tournament, Alex Trebek would host a gathering of the great, er, the leaders of several states. A while back, I imagined Scott Walker, Chris Christie, and — well, I left the third spot open for speculation.

Let’s look instead at the “debates” between the multitudes otherwise known as the Republican candidates for president in 2016. How would they stand up to Alex Trebek? How would Alex handle them?

Alex Trebek: Welcome to Jeopardy’s Potential Leaders on the Right Tournament. Our contestants today are Carly Fiorina, Jeb Bush, and of course Donald Trump. Let’s look at the categories for the regular Jeopardy round. (beeping sound effect as the board blinks on) Coffee or Tea Party, Potent Quotables, Blood is Thicker Than Water, Dancing Around the Issues, Washington Outsiders, and ImmigrationDonald, let’s begin.  

Trump: I’ll take Potent Quotables for 200, Alex.

Alex: “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” Donald, you must ring in before I can ask for your answer.

Trump: I didn’t mean that. I meant her persona, not her looks.

Alex: You didn’t ring in, Donald! Carly.

Fiorina: Who is – every woman in the country heard what Donald Trump said.

Alex: correct for $200. Carly, choose again.

Fiorina: Blood is Thicker than Water for 400, Alex.

Alex: We sent troops to this location based on faulty intelligence. Jeb.

Bush: That was – I mean, what is my brother’s war in Iraq.

Trump: Who cares?! Show some spunk!

Alex (turns to director): Cut! We can’t go on like this. Donald, you must play by the rules.

Trump: I make my own rules! You know how reporters keep calling me a schoolyard bully? Well, they’re right! I do things my way! I tell you, I wouldn’t hire Carly to run any one of my (audio shuts off, followed by video going black).

Readers, you get the idea. Today’s children are in good hands for now. But if the narrow and uber-conservative right get their way, none of will be in good hands. The Tea Party folk play as though they make their own rules. If we want representation of the people, by the people, and for the people to remain, it’ll take more than a game. Stay informed, and stay active.

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